Total Balkan - English chapter / Ukázka překladu

Hard to tell what it was, that charmed the panel during the telephone interview so much. What kind of minority protection laws apply in Kosovo? I wasn’t nervous. First, it was clear to me that this will never work out, because Kosovo can declare its independence quite easily without me, and also – before they called back, I decided to say farewell to all noble international clubs and alliances in order to sit down in my kitchen and only stand up after I’d finished ten to fifteen novels, scripts and theatre plays. Great answer! And now, if you may, tell us about the relation between democracy and the rule of law. Because an artist has a much better chance to move the world than an expert in the area of international human rights protection, doesn‘t he?


How would you deal with conflicts in your team? Three hundred options pop up in my mind (about a half of them includes some form of violence). I take a deep breath and babble about coaching and explain the methods of gender-balanced motivation (Bullshit! Bullshit!!). I even mention several examples from my own practice, so I continuously lie for about eight minutes. Conclusion. What is your opinion of the functionality of local self-administration in northern Kosovo?

The truth pops up in my mind: Northern Kosovo is screwed. Unfortunately, nothing else pops up. Screwed is screwed. You understood the question? – asks one of the interviewers. Oh god, just say something so they don’t assert that all Czechs are a bunch dolts without an opinion on local self-administration in northern Kosovo! 

I recall the news when a (whatever) politician answers a (whichever) complex question.

„The situation is disquieting and extremely complicated,“ I say, worried. „It is important to regard the matter in all its complex context, and at the moment, I don’t have the space to address the details in detail, so I will only say this: in view of the very diverse background of the development of the ethnic conflict in Kosovo and taking into account all economic, social and political aspects, it is possible to suggest that the level of functionality of local self-administration in northern Kosovo is a true reflection of the current situation of the community.”

I want to swallow the phone, swearing that for the rest of life I’ll only comment on questions regarding the weather.

…

In the morning, a Mr. Smith calls from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. “Congratulations!” he exclaims. “Could you start next week?”

The problem is that I totally could.

I write to my former colleague from the court. She now works for the UN mission in Bosnia. Say, what is it like over there? Is she happy? And is she making any – you know - difference?

“Happy?” she replies. “That would be a gross understatement, girl!” Listen - she is absolutely thrilled, because, you know, Sarajevo is so totally cool. Parties all night, zero work, ski slopes and beaches both around the corner and, most importantly, the proportion of guys and gals is more than favorable for us, female singletons in their thirties. Trendy and cheap fashion in local markets, plus, beyond the check-point in the UN staff store, you find the greatest selection of booze and perfumes that you could ever imagine. All duty free – no kiddin’! Hey, what salary grade are you? P2 or P3?

I reply that I don’t know, although I do know. P4. It’s more than the monthly earnings of an average senator. 

You would decline that?

Over a hundred people call during the day. Congratulations! We’re so proud of you, darling! – D’you have all vaccinations?  - Let’s hope that bullet-proof jackets will be provided. – And, if I may, how much will they pay you, hon?

Everybody is thrilled.

They don’t know, what I know.

In the afternoon, I feel like calling back Smith to ask, if all this couldn’t be somehow revoked, but I remember his euphoria when he informed me that this is a huge honour for the Czech Republic, a huge honour!, because no Czech national got selected for ages – and, madam, don’t you doubt there were queues of applicants!

How could I be so mean to the Czech Republic?

Plus, if I decline, Smith might deport me.

It would be difficult to explain, that I entered the competition long ago, when it seemed that it would be much easier to set off for Outer Mongolia or Kosovo, and rather have my head shot off there amid a humanitarian crisis than to lose it home, amid a crisis of identity. And that when they finally got back to me four months later, I didn’t find the shot-off head idea half as attractive anymore.